Rant: semi logic semi venting

I'm not very good about talking about my problems feelings etc esp when it comes to people i'm close too. So this seems like a nice place to send out some anger maybe get good advice and trying to think might clear my head I drank way to much tonight *i still type well wow i suck*

Why can't I turn to those i'm close too I think its because i'm afriad they'll judge me or look down on me but umm arn't they there to help why am I like this?

I have been stabbed in the back bad by one of my former dearest friends now I wish the lowest bowels of hell upon them. I've never been so hurt by being betrayed and its not like this is a first time. I am consumed by anger hate and sorrow I'm sure so much of the anger is because I'm hurting. I've hurt enough for 4 life times both mind and body it gets old fast trust me. I can't clear my mind from her lies blunt to my fucking face how dare someone who is alive and well thanks to me pull this shit? fuck karma nothing can punish them enough. I'll take pleasure every second they suffer. Why is my rage consuming me I've never wanted such vengance sure I want wrongs writed but I would be thrilled to see her crawl and beg on her knees just to laugh at the offers.

Part of me wants the best I want things fixed I want my friend back no I want my famliy back I considered her blood I take NO greater honor then calling you brother or sister. Sure i'm socially stuck in the 1500s but I am the last of my family a proud one at that I'm not going to have kids I'm the last my name will die with me my family dies with me.

I darnk way too much tonight 2 bottles of wine is exxiscce Sure i'm a college guy and drink but wtf is up with this self mediacting my G/F is been sleeping I dont even love her and she doesn't love me its a weird thing I sometimes miss caring for someone and being cared for. Yippie for being a snob and downing 2 bottles of merlot modive at that

my head is spinning and my post sucks but its makeing me feel alot better no one likes me here or knows me I dont mind I'm not really the out going person just saying this seems to lift a great weight off my cheast.

I have so much to look forward to in life next year i'll be moving getting a new car probbly a corvette maybe even new depending on pay from my owm money at 21 oh wow i'm proud of me but so empty now i hate to seem like only things matter but it will mean alot to me it will make me proud of all my hard work and tons of school.

I wish i could talk to people who knew me and understood wtf i'm babbling about but i feel so uneasy about it what is wrong with me? Isn't that what my family is there for?

bah i'm going to bed maybe if not i'm going to sleep on the couch I hate culdding up with my g/f and just not feeling anything it hurts.

cliffs
too scattered to even try so too bad.

I'll check this sometimes and clear up if anyone wants if i can remember wtf i was talking about.

Ace. Yes, family should be there for you and yes it hurts like Hell when someone close hurts you. Talking about things will help you to an extent but until you make the changes in your life to make you fell better about yourself, you will stay in the same self-abusing rut. Talk to your family, talk to your girl and tell her how you fell and I promise that after you cry and get shitfaced drunk, you'll feel better. Time will be the biggest help and changing your surroundings and other things close to you (Car,Job...) will get you on the road to felling like your old self. Hope you get to back to normal. :icon16:

Judgemental people suck.

Ace. Yes, family should be there for you and yes it hurts like Hell when someone close hurts you. Talking about things will help you to an extent but until you make the changes in your life to make you fell better about yourself, you will stay in the same self-abusing rut. Talk to your family, talk to your girl and tell her how you fell and I promise that after you cry and get shitfaced drunk, you'll feel better. Time will be the biggest help and changing your surroundings and other things close to you (Car,Job...) will get you on the road to felling like your old self. Hope you get to back to normal. :icon16:
Thanks a ton man! your 110% right on it too.

I feel alot better now just talking about it like this on AF helped a ton seeing all the views and the kind responce you typed out really made my day.

I dont know why I feel odd talking to my family but im' going to bite the bullet be uneasy and get things settled with my life.

I did score a bottle of 79 pinot from as a gift *he gets free stuff like this non stop at work and doesn't want it woot!* thats not gettting drunk off stuff 1 glass and your just nice its to be savored.

i might make a new post soon about some of the stuff I might want to ease in the talking something else is up maybe its the highstress and PTSD mixing on me but this is one time i really just feel unhappy.

I'm feeling alot better and i want to fix me your guys rock.

You have PTSD????? How?

No problem bro. Glad your getting back on the right track.

You have PTSD????? How?
seen alot of rough stuff thanks to me being good person and helping my commuity lol.

I was in JCAP *Junior Civil Air Patrol* we dont have a real adult one near byso us "kids" went out helping look for small downed planes saw a frozen body @14.

I was a firefighter for 2 years, held a mans hand as he bleed out I can tell you the exact second he passed it was weird changed me alot at that point I learned what spirituiaty was. Saw alot of jacked up stuff incase its not common knowalge firefighters are at most all car wrecks and do alot during them. Got my self into to rough stuff and i've had to pull a sharp object out of me I rather not get into details of that though.

Just some of the stuff.

I know I read somthing somewhere it can be genetic and my Grandpa had it from ww2 so I might be more easy to get it or somthing not 100% sure to be honest.

Stuff like that all is weird it doesn't bug you at the time and won't bug you untill out of no where boom I just need to sit down and get a glass of water.

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. My dads last job was treating vets for PTSD. He had to quit because he just couldn't handle the stories anymore.

I still think that a good chunk of the sacrifice made my the heroes today are really emotional. It's so hard to get freedom from some of the memories.

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. My dads last job was treating vets for PTSD. He had to quit because he just couldn't handle the stories anymore.

I still think that a good chunk of the sacrifice made my the heroes today are really emotional. It's so hard to get freedom from some of the memories.
Yea it must be very hard he should be proud for helping though. My dads g/fs cousin does that for a living.

Its not that big a deal for me hopfully it won't get worse but it often does with age.

I am signing up for Ranger and Sniper testing in the Army next year so I'm walking into even more. Just a glutton I guess :grinyes:

I look at it as a gift, I dont know if thats a smart way to look at it but i'm giving part of me to help you and do what I feel is right.

I've just always been one of those kind of people I walk on the outside in parking lots etc.

I worked for 6 years as a Mental Health technician before going into Security. I have seen alot of cases of PTSD among other things.It can be brought on by many different factors. I worked mostly on the kids unit and after 6 years of meeting kids who's family members physically, mentally and sexually abused them from an early age, I had to make a change or I was gonna kill some parent that thought it was ok to molest his 7 year old daughter. When you see this cute little kid who's dad has been "playing doctor" with them for their entire childhood and now they think they are trash and begin cutting on themselfs, it is very hard when the parents come for the meeting not to grab the son of a bitch and beat the living shit out of them. I have had a lot of sleepless nights and I now have ulsers from working with the kids. My Doc says I need a stress leave but I can't seem to do it. Sorry, I just had to rant a little. Didn't mean to hijack your thread.

I worked for 6 years as a Mental Health technician before going into Security. I have seen alot of cases of PTSD among other things.It can be brought on by many different factors. I worked mostly on the kids unit and after 6 years of meeting kids who's family members physically, mentally and sexually abused them from an early age, I had to make a change or I was gonna kill some parent that thought it was ok to molest his 7 year old daughter. When you see this cute little kid who's dad has been "playing doctor" with them for their entire childhood and now they think they are trash and begin cutting on themselfs, it is very hard when the parents come for the meeting not to grab the son of a bitch and beat the living shit out of them. I have had a lot of sleepless nights and I now have ulsers from working with the kids. My Doc says I need a stress leave but I can't seem to do it. Sorry, I just had to rant a little. Didn't mean to hijack your thread.
By all means your welcome to post here. Honestly i'm glad you did I dont feel so alone, hearing about other people having it.

I can understand how you must have felt and i'm sorry to hear that must be very stressful. I would have had you back if you swung at one of those jerks.

I am supposted to call my former friend and talk to her about all this mess little nervous about it I think she'll probbly duck out or be "busy"

Talked to my G/F last night we are going to work things out and she felt bad and gave me some money to get a toy to keep me happy she knows a new DVD makes my week i'm so easy to please :smile:

you know something like this happened to me and i was extremley pissed for weeks. now i have a serious anger problem which i just learned about(its amazing how you can complety ignore how angry you really get until a bunch of other people tell you) and im pretty sure its from that event. the grls a bitch. tell her, take it all out on her, and fuckin forget her. i know a bunch of people will say this is bad advice, but it works.