Empty

I feel empty right now. Like there is nothing for me to live for, I'm just spinning in a tornado, not going anywhere.

Maybe I should start over.

I had my mind set on becoming a policeman, I had it all planned out. Then I had a spiritual experience where God opened my eyes that I should be doing engineering instead and go into that field. I had it all planned out again, take a year off after finishing school working around the country and travelling.

The end of the year came, and I didn't have enough money to go away, I hadn't saved enough. I met this girl at my New Years party, we hit it off right away and started dating. We broke up over easter, but we still hang out and see eachother. The spark just wasn't there. She is another reason I didn't go away. I wasn't going to leave while I was going out with her. The thing is, she is an exchange student and will go back to Germany in July. In any case, I was working two jobs up until Friday when the second temp job I had ended when the person I was covering for came back from up north. Once again my money has just disappeared, I spend it on food, booze, who knows. I even have a second account set up to save money, yet I take money out of that one as well.

My days now consist of waking up at almost any time, doing nothing until 3:30 when I have to go to work at the information centre. I keep telling myself to look for a job yet I somehow don't.

So now I have no girlfriend, no money, and no plan for my immediate future. I'm stuck in a boring job that's going nowhere, and some part of me keeps me from actually putting effort into looking for work.

I have decided that I must NOW do something, or I will be extremely unhappy for a long time. I talked to my ex about it and simply started crying. I really do feel like my life has no meaning anymore, when were together that gave me something to work towards. Now she's gone and I'm stuck working one job that takes up very little of my time and naturally pays very little.

I am concerned about my drinking, granted I don't drink all the time, but lately it feels like I simply drink to escape things, like on Saturday night, it was my sister's engagement party,and all I was interested in was getting trashed. I succeeded.

I don't even really know why I am writing all this, I guess I just need to get my thoughts out. I just wish I didn't regret all the mistakes I've made over the last year and a half (God knows I've made far too many), I know that there is nothing I can do now, but I still feel bad because of the way I treated a lot of my friends and people who cared about me, sometimes doing irreparable damage.

I really do feel like a loss, I can't even keep a fucking relationship together,and I got a verbal warning at work the other day for being chronically late.

This must all sound like typical teenage angst and self loathing, maybe that's what it is. I just wish I didn't feel like everyone is leaving me behind. All my friends are at uni, and my ex has got a new boyfriend, while I'm still stuck here working the same shitty hours feeling sorry for myself. My weeks are nothing except me counting the days until the Wednesday when I see my ex (remember I said we still hang out, I consider her one of my closest friends now) or the Tuesday I hang out with some other friends.

I really need to do something about this, but I don't have the energy; but I know that I am the only one who is going to get me out of this.

Like I said, I don't even know why I posted this, I guess I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head.

I hope this makes sense. Make of it what you will.

Dave.

I can actually kind of understand. I'm going through a shitty time right now as well. I haven't opened up to anybody but I can relate. I hope you realize that you have a lot to live for and decide to pull yourself up out of the rut. Somehow, life will get better!:grey:

Dave,

It makes sense to me.
I am also going through some self-searching, in the next couple of weeks I have to make some serious financial and career decisions (I think Antonio will know what I am referring to), but to be honest one day I wake up full of drive and determination and the next I full of doubt and anxiety.

If you need to talk, PM me and I will meet you on AIM, no matter the time(as long as I ain't at work), I will be available.

Ray

man it's easily understandable what's happening in your life. but the alcohol won't get you anywhere at all in life if anything make yourself as healthy as possible therefore you don't have to feel gross and depressed and then drink more...if u want to drink, have a malta or something, they're like beer soda if that helps. but life does get better and soul searching is what people come to throughout their lives. so what if you don't have a girlfriend, alot of them can drain your money faster. and at least you have a job man i would jump in traffic to get your job. i can't seem to get motivated to get one, but one thing that helped me is to enjoy the simple things in life. things that would easily go unnoticed, suddenly become interesting. also to avoid the trouble of bank accounts. regulate the amount of money that you withdraw, put a limit on how much you take out and spend. become cheap if you have to, it's what's gonna keep your money from being lost.

i'm just tryin 2 give you some advice, you can take it or leave it if you want.
feel better soon:)

I've been there, I'm still trying to get out of that. :( It takes time, and unfortunately I've taken that time, but not put in the effort to fully escape. The thing is, life will go on, and you will eventually be doing something else. God only knows what, but it's pretty much guaranteed that you will not ALWAYS be doing the exact same thing. Otherwise you wouldn't be living. It's up to you to make it happen that you work up to something better instead of letting it go and you're in more shit than you could have imagined from the start. You know where to reach us if you need to talk. We are here for you.

If it help, everyone goes through what you are now. Some come out stronger and some come out bitter. Hope you come out of it in better shape. Maybe you need to sit down and take another look at what you want to do and how to get there like you did earlier. Just because the prior plan didn't work out as you saw fit, doesn't mean you shouldn't come up with another one and double your efforts to see it through to fruition. Best of luck.













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Dave,

Talking to you at length for several months now vitrually daily on MSN and AIM, we both know that I can relate to what you are going through.

I have been over this hill and back again that the elephant knows me on a first name basis. I don't know whether this is a thread seeking advice or simply sympathy (which you know I have). My advice, if warrented, for you is thus:

-Do not drink to escape or run from your problems. Drink because you love the people you are drinking with. Do it because you are out to enjoy yourself.

-Start doing some sport. I personally like soccer, but my sport is going to the gym 3 times a week. THIS IS A MUST>

-Keep your friends close. Seperate friends and acquantainces clearly in your own mind. Drink with acquantainces, cry with friends. Start leaning on them, and make it abundantly clear they can lean on you. Female friends are great for this.

-Find another job. Pick out some of the things you WANT to do because you will be GOOD at them. Get together a good resume and drop it everywhere. Make sure you get phone numbers for all the places and FOLLOW THEM UP.

-Sit down. By yourself. Put on some good music (Audioslave :ylsuper). Write down the following numbers. 1, 2, 5, 10, 20, 50. Then fill in where you see yourself at each of those years from now.


I hope your feeling better about the whole thing dude. You know I'm always here for you. I'm glad to hear the good news about Kat.

Always,
Ozzy

just hang in there , watch out for the booze man , it can kill you inside. I felt like you do for years , until the last 8 months (I met the perfect girl for me) everything has turned around and life has meaning now and I feel those years actually prepared me to appreciate now. My life had no value before and now It actually feels like the down time has paid off for me as now I appreciate life more . It will most likely do the same for you so just hang in there man !!!

Toksin, I feel for you man, b/c I feel the same way about my life. This year I moved away from the community college I was going to in College Station, TX to come a SHSU to finish up school in the next 2 years or so. That's when I feel everything kinda fell out of place. When I lived in College Station for my first 2 years of college I had 2 roomates and had a pretty active life being able to hang out with them and the rest of my friends who live there. Then when I got here i moved in with a new roomate(only 1 this time) and thought it would be cool, and thought i'd meet a lot of new people which is normally very easy for me to do. However, the people i've met i just dont get along with. And then a new girl moved in with the neighbors and low and behold about 2 to 3 weeks later her and my roomate start dating. And I quote his exact words "Man, if you see me start getting attached stop me man, b/c I want to take this relationship slow." Well that did a lot of good, he'd practically beg me to come over and hang out with them and everytime I would, I'd be stuck sitting out in the living room, and then when i tell him about him getting attached he's like "whatever, whatever." So I just don't worry about it anymore. I'm an only child so I'm a pretty independent person but don't like to be by myself all the time. Well to make matters worse the first semester I pretty much smoked weed every single day b/c it just eased my emotions, and made me happy. But then i realized it was stupid for me to smoke for that reason so i quit. But I have my good days and my bad days, but everyday my schedule is the same....go to school....come home and sit on my ass. I'm sick of doing the same old shit. And i'm getting more and more irritated at my roomate b/c he spends practically every waking moment with his gf and then bitches b/c she has to work late or something else and claims he doesn't see her enough:rolleyes: Overall he just takes her for granted and it pisses me off b/c he's lucky to even have a gf. And it makes me sick b/c he's constantly loving on her(kissing and cuddling) in front of me which i find extremely rude. He just appears to care only about himself and not about anyone around him, but all my other friends that have girlfriends dont make me feel like a 5th wheel. Hell, I don't even think he really deserves to have a gf for the way he's fucked over quite a few girls in the past 3 years who all would have been good gf's. And by the way its been 3 years since my last relationship(i'm cursed with being the nice guy, i can have all the friends but not gfs). I also find myself thinking back wondering if I would have done things differently how my life would be today. Being by myself lately has really taken its toll on me, my attitude has changed a lot and i get really pissed off a lot easier than i use too. Not to mention my imagination goes crazy constantly thinking of bad things that will probably happen to me. I don't know I try and pray but it just doesn't feel right to me to pray for good things to happen to me. Of course I can't say my life isn't good though, b/c i have parents who think the world of me and will do anything and everything for me. I don't have to worry about money problems, b/c I know my parents will always help me out if I need it. And of course b/c of the things I have I'm considered spoiled, which admitedly I am to a certain extent, but I do not take one thing I have for granted and my parents don't just buy me whatever I want, and I don't ask for things either. For example, the last 2 christmas' when my mom asked me what I wanted i just said i dont care get what you think i'll like, b/c it doesn't matter to me. I guess in a way this post was to point out that, Toksin, your not alone, and to relieve a little of my own stress. Oh well the one thing I keep thinking is God has a plan for me and when he decides that its time for me to be in a relationship fate will play its part.

Try reading up on some Buddhist texts. You don't have to necessarily practice the religion, but it does give some great insight on life.

Also, start small. If you want to save some money up, get a change jar and put all your pocket change in that. I have about 200 dollars just in pocket change. It all adds up.

Try to find thinks that inspire you also. For me, I do web design, but often times get a designers block. I watch the movie "pi" and listen to various electronic music. Usually helps. You just have to find the things that inspire you.

writing helps me. I have written poetry since probably the year I started high school (1993). I don't do it too much anymore, but last night I wrote a good one that really helped ease my mind. the hardest part to deal with is hopelessness. don't give up hope. if anyone understood how you feel, trust me I do. we all do I bet. you can always confide in the autoforums LOL. hey ya know there is something theraputic in venting to a bunch of ppl you don't have to worry about running into face to face I guess.

Sounds like you’ve got a good grasp on your situation.
I have decided that I must NOW do something, or I will be extremely unhappy for a long time.
Like YogsVR4 said, everyone goes through this at some point. I’ve been there too, spent 15 years in the Army to get me straightened out. Don’t jeopardize your job by being late or showing up intoxicated. Use this situation as a stepping-stone and move on with the experience. Write down your goals and post them where you will see them often. Never give up!

i think we have all been there at one time or another,you just got to try not to let it get you down . ive been like that off and on for like three years it seems like every time i get one problem taken care of ten more fuckin appear but thats just life ya know. it sux but you just gotta try and be strong. i think it was a good idea to post this because it lets you tell people(good people! on the af)how you feel and sometimes thats what u need! so keep your head up and i hope everything works out for you ! if you want to talk or whatever pm me! ill try and be some help!

about the drinking all i can really say is be careful!!!but now im a hypacrite!!!cause im not!;) just dont let it rule you like OZ said (OZ is so smart) do it cause you enjoy it or you enjoy the people youre with not just to escape! (there i go again) damn i need a beer!!;)

I am done with high school now. My last day was Monday. Now I feel like I'm in the same position. I'm stuck with no money, no car, and no one to turn to accept for my grandpa, who had actually been helping me a lot, but doesn't want to "steer my future". He's been telling me to get into something I like to do with people I like, but with my bad right eye (next to no vision in it) I can't do what I want to. I can't be a police officer, and I can't be a truck driver. Those were my two life-long dreams, and I've seen both fall before me because of that ONE reason. Now I'm planning on diesel mechanics this fall. My parents and mentors are telling me to go to college, but college offers nothing to me. I thought about architecture, but I don't have to money to attend school out of state, and my stupidity in the past years of high school has torn my accumulative GPA to pieces, so I can't get scholorships now. So now, I'm heading at two years of training and a job with no advancement doing something that's only slightly close to what I really want to do. I wish I had the money to try a laser operation on my eye that has a 50% chance of restoring my sight to 20/20, but I don't have the money for that either. Diesel mechanics offers decent pay, but the richest man in the world is the one who is doing what he likes to do...I can't do that...

I'm getting that lost feeling just like the rest of you it seems :(

All I can say is that we all will go through the same type of shit sometime in our life. Of course, it seems to come at the time when we are least prepared, and when it is most crucial that we get an idea of what to do with out lives. Yup, stuck right at the end of our teenage years.
Up until this year, I thought I had everything planned out, life was OK in spite of it all. Then, Im now realizing that Im not sure if my career goal will make me happy, I lost my part time job which I actually liked (and worse, my own stupidity lost it for me, nothing else), one of my very close friends died, I screwed around with my best friends good friends girlfriend, and now, my best friend is hating me, and very recently (and not so important, actually), the girl that i thought i had a good chance with, and actually cared about, hurt me b4 just plain telling me i had no chance. Havent been accepted to Uni yet, not sure if I'll get in either (i should, though).
Basically, life can really suck ass at times; kinda wish my problems were worse then yours to give u something to look at and say, "hey, im better off then that guy".
But, you will get through it all OK in the end. Remember that the average person changes *careers* 3 or 4 times in their life, at least. So, just try to not abuse the booze, try and motivate yourself, and you will come out of all of this OK.

Here, something to laugh at:

:hehehe: that's picture is the first thing that's made me laugh all day. I needed that Chris. Thanks.

holy shit, chris, I really needed that.

Sorry I haven't been around much recently so apologies for not getting back to you on this note.

As you may have read in the Philosophizing forum, I'm going through a period of dynamic change in my life right now. In the last 6 months, I changed jobs, suffered the loss of some friends through death, lost friends from my own inaction, been close to and tried to help out with the pyrrhic relationship breakups of two close friends, questioned a lot of my own morals, ethics and values. I've also done some really amazing things and seen images and felt experiences that I wish I could share more - things that are etched in my memory as being some of the happiest moments in time however brief.

On the other hand, I've felt melancholy - I've woken up with a knot in my stomach that I haven't been able to shake off from the twisted feeling I have inside. I've lost 25 pounds in three months, I ended up chain smoking and drinking too much to be good for me (and I'm now four weeks done of self-imposed cold turkey detox from both). I've unintentionally fallen for someone who doesn't realise it and I've decided not to confront her about it but to stay as friends as I know that to do more will only end in pain and disappointment for us both.

Every moment I share with her makes me want to grin from ear to ear but I also feel a stony weight upon my heart because I know it cannot last. I know that there are so many reasons it can't work that I should just walk away but there is something that the map of the human heart leads me back.

One of the things that keeps me going is that without sadness I would not appreciate the magic and warmth happiness brings to me. There are more experiences that I want to feel, images I want to see with my own eyes, tastes to savor and the warmth of the moment to enjoy.

I have so many things that I want to achieve and do - I have a plan of them and I know that I don't have time to do them all but what keeps me going in the face of time's inevitable march is that I will enjoy more of them before my race is done...

Hopefully Dave, you'll realise that at your age that your race is only beginning and that the possibilities that lie before you make me envious. My race is more than half done now and I've accomplished so many things I put my heart to, met so many friends, enjoyed moments that I can't begin to tell you how it felt so good and tasted the finer flavours that life offers.

One small shred of wisdom that these ageing eyes of mine have seen is that our time here is short and that one day you will understand about the endless possibilities and opportunities you will experience in the next 5 to 10 years of your life if you willing to embrace life. I've supped my share and then some from the chalice of life and all I have left to share with you is that you need to set where you want to go and what you to want to do - I know that with enough bloody-minded faith and perserverance many obstacles can be overcome - find what you want to do, make a plan and throw yourself at it.

Life's journey is too short to dwell on the questions you can't answer mate so you may as well go find some you can. Now ever want to drink from a jug of Sangria on a beach in Barcelona... it's only work, saving and a plane ticket away...

Thank you all for your kind words.

Long story short, things are sorting themselves out. I have a new job grooming at a car dealership, and everything else is slowly coming together. Thanks for the support guys, it means a lot.

I'm now going to ask Oz to close this thread.